By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

Wheelin’ and dealin’

• HSBC, the only ethical bank on the planet that has absolutely never moved nearly a billion dollars for drug cartels, is using machine learning powered by AWS for its new AI Global Tactical Index. “This means we can execute criminal acts and simply blame AI,” one exec said. “AWS is the best thing to happen to us since Pablo Escobar. I mean, Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, Teddy Roosevelt.”
• Ball Aerospace is working with Microsoft and Loft Federal (Ann Taylor for public servants?) on a mission to carry 10 satellites with “experimental payloads” (drugs?) to space (aliens on drugs?). Microsoft is providing productivity solutions, as well as cloud and ground station infrastructure. Interesting that Loft Federal’s website looks like a middle schooler did the bare minimum for a computer class 101.
• Media giant Sinclair Broadcasting Group has announced its selection of AWS as its preferred cloud provider. Sinclair will use AWS to create more compelling local news (MY FAVORITE) and sports content. The company also said it would be using the new (take a big breath:) AWS Elemental MediaConnect Gateway.
• Looks like Microsoft has a fever and the only prescription is more…healthcare software. Microsoft and EPIC, a leading EHR platform, are going to develop and integrate generative AI solutions. Microsoft launched a similar collaboration with healthcare personalization engine CueZen.
• Fever is still high: “health enablement solutions” provider Lightbeam is adopting Azure SQL Database.
• Bloomberg announced that customers can access real-time trading and other high-performance data using a private connection in the Azure Virtual Network.
• Cognizant is expanding its partnership with Microsoft to build an integration roadmap between the two companies’ healthcare solutions. Cognizant will run its SaaS healthcare solutions on Azure and migrate clients there, too.

Gossip (for nerds)

• Amazon’s CEO warned shareholders that the short-term is going to be rough (read: falling profits and projection shortfalls) because companies are putting their wallets away. Or as the CEO puts it, they are “cost-optimizing” 🤮 But not to worry, he says, because the new customer pipeline is robust—90% of global IT spending is still on premises and yet to migrate to the cloud.
  • The good news is that the government is still spending all your tax money like there’s not a care in the world (except if you need it for healthcare or children or education). Public cloud spending is up 22% from last year, according to Gartner.
• Microsoft shares rose 9% after its third-quarter earnings call, surpassing expectations. Its foray into AI is the reason, analysts speculate.
  • Coincidentally, Microsoft is allegedly working on an AI chip, codenamed “Athena,” to support large language models.
  • Which is interesting considering the person who was responsible for that at Microsoft just left to go help Meta do its own AI chip thing.
• He’s like the Voldemort of tech so I won’t even say his name, but he wants to launch a rival to Microsoft-backed ChatGPT. Hopefully it won’t catch on fire and crash itself like his other products. Not sure why this headline says he is doing it quietly, this man has never done anything quietly since that would require self-control. Anyway, in line with being the prince of petty, he’s also thinking about suing Microsoft because it’s pulling data from Twitter to train its AI.
• Microsoft and Google have been the main cloud contributors to open-source projects, but AWS may be pivoting its strategy around customer obsession to include open-source efforts. Read the speculation here. Or read this one instead, which was written first. By a woman. And it’s better.
• Generative AI-ish company SambaNova Systems has hired an ex-AWS managing director and an ex-VP of Google Cloud. I hope you’re sitting down for this shocking news, but they are both white dudes.

World domination

• Oil-rich Bahrain made a slick move by transferring 85% of its government data to AWS. If gas prices go up maybe there can be a lil’ outage or somethin’, I dunno…just spit-balling scenarios and whatnot.
• Who knew there was a UK wing of an Italian defense company? Leonardo will be the first major defense company in the UK to move to Azure. It will take longer than normal once you factor in two-hour lunch breaks/siesta hybrids, and then a three-month vacation.
• AWS put its kilt on to sign a memorandum of understanding with The National Quantum Computing Centre in Edinburgh and the School of Informatics at the University of Edinburgh. AWS will provide hardware to help establish a proof of concept that we can, in fact, bring Sean Connery forward through time.
• Microsoft is going to stop bundling Teams with Office to appease EU regulators.
• Brazilian telecom group Vivo is working with Microsoft Azure OpenAI service to develop solutions in a lab of sorts that could apply to different use cases, such as helping agents understand customer queries faster.

New stuff

• Big news for the AWS Well-Architected Framework!!! (Just as I wrote that I realized that this isn’t how I imagined my life, but I like it OK). A new version is out, and the same PR person who said budget cutting was “cost optimization” also came out with the term “enhanced prescriptive guidance” which makes it sound like the Well-Architected Framework is seeing a therapist. But no—it has just folded in some of the newer AWS services with 127 new or updated best practices, including implementation steps.
• Amazon GuardDuty, the favorite child of AWS security offerings, has three new capabilities. After crawling through the vast desert of despair that was this press release, I got to the updates: new container runtime protection for Amazon EKS, extended coverage for data stored in Amazon Aurora, and support for serverless applications in AWS Lambda.
• AWS announced the startups in its third cohort of its Space Accelerator program, and there’s a Seattle-based company in there. You can see the list here.

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security

• Phishing is so yesterday. It’s smishing now. Smishing steals the credentials of administrators using mobile devices to remotely log into accounts.
• Microsoft is offering millions to any tech nerd who can find bugs in the new Bing chat. “Go get an English degree,” they said. “It’ll be great,” they said.
• To address security concerns first discovered by Orca Security, Microsoft will tighten how Azure Functions works with Azure Storage.

Best Friends Forever

• InfoSys is now a launch partner for AWS Cloud Operations Specialization.
• Torch.AI, which provides data infrastructure for AI, is now an Advanced Tier Partner and AWS Public Sector partner.
• Trend Micro achieved AWS Level 1 Managed Security Service Provider Competency.
• Seeq, which offers IoT analytics software, has earned its AWS Manufacturing and Industrial Competency.
• New to Azure Marketplace: Information risk management company HITRUST’s MyCSF subscriptions and connected healthcare cybersecurity platform, Cynerio.
• Federal tech consulting firm Acuity has acquired its Microsoft Solutions Partner status in Digital & App Innovation. And Xoriant earned a designation as a Microsoft Solutions Partner for Security.
• Elevate Security is co-selling with Microsoft.
• Semiconductor company AMD joined the AWS ISV Accelerate Program to co-sell integrated solutions.
• Merkle, the customer experience company and not the much-missed German PM, achieved AWS Digital Customer Experience and Data and Analytics Competency statuses. Caylent also achieved a D&A Competency.
• Arc XP, a digital experience platform, has earned its AWS Media & Entertainment Competency.
• New on AWS Marketplace: Conversational AI and automation provider Uniphore; SAS’ Customer Intelligence 360; monitoring and observability stack Grafana Labs; physician consultation service Atropos Health; and SecureFrame’s security and compliance automation platform.

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

Wheelin’ and dealin’

• Is AWS a cloud company or a VC firm? Instead of building its own generative AI, Amazon launched an accelerator for startups that will do it on AWS. In the same week, the cloud company announced that it has selected a new cohort of startups for its healthcare workforce accelerator and opened applications for fintechs in Africa.
• Even soap has moved to the cloud. Now you can experience digital transformation in the shower with Unilever’s shmancy new cloud-only infrastructure, of which Azure is the primary provider. Accenture helped the company make the move in exchange for a lifetime of lavender-scented bodywash.
• NVIDIA and Microsoft are up to more partner-y stuff again, this time it’s to host the “industrial metaverse” which just makes me think of a Mad Max world where people f*ck each other up with excavators and metal pipes. But really Microsoft is just gonna host NVIDIA’s Ominiverse, where industrial companies can develop applications. That sounds so painfully boring it’s almost more punishing than excavator fight-to-the-death battles.
• Experian has selected AWS as its preferred cloud provider as part of its multi-year digital transformation initiative.
• Enterprise IT solution provider Denali Advanced Integration has signed a strategic collaboration agreement with AWS to deliver end-to-end automation capabilities. Specifically, the company will implement Computer Vision using AWS services that can be deployed on premises.
• Electronic corporate bond trading platform LTX (which makes me think of a stuffy old banker absolutely shredding a light-up Casio) has migrated its platform to AWS. The primary goal is to “optimize its data science processes” so it can analyze information faster for its AI-driven e-trading.

World domination

• Just when you thought a queer pirate comedy was the best thing to come out of New Zealand (wake me up when Season 2 releases), you can think again! Amazon is going to buy half the output of the country’s Turitea South wind farm to power its regional data centers next year. I hope their set up is… a breeze.
• Paradise Mobile will bring 5G to Bermuda on the AWS Cloud. In this report, Paradise isn’t trying to win market share for the 20-square-mile island, it just wants to test 5G on rich people (seriously, that’s what the article says).
• Palantir, which is home to the baby-eating illuminati OR a technology company run by Peter Thiel that was neck-deep in the Cambridge Analytica scandal—either one, really—is going to support the DoD’s contract with Azure.
• Microsoft finally learned what it’s like to realize you don’t have enough for all the groceries that were just rung up and now you have to put the bananas back. And the peanut butter. But not the soda, because you’re a growing boy. It’s pulling out of its new London office plans.
  • But it’s still pursuing plans for a new data center in Wisconsin.

Gossip (for nerds)

• To cut cloud costs, startups are renegotiating with service providers. “Pretty please?” they say. “We’ll think about,” the cloud providers say, then they cover the phone receiver and snicker because they know they won’t. But actually, shit is getting real down in cloud town. AWS is approaching startups offering lower prices if they switch from Google or Azure. Startups that are already on AWS are getting lower quotes from Microsoft and then coming back to AWS asking the company to match. I like to call this “when capitalism come backs to haunt you.”
• Amazon’s slower entry into AI may be its competitive advantage, after all. Echoing journalists with less exposure who have already said this, The NY Times reports that Microsoft and Google are each rushing to be the AI company, regardless of whether AI is ready for prime time or not (spoiler: it’s not). The two are “taking greater risks with their ethical guidelines,” as shown, for example, in a leaked internal email from Microsoft where an exec is basically like “We can fix it later.” EXCEPT YOU CAN’T, SAM.
• AWS just lost its UK and Ireland lead to Microsoft; the exec is now an EMEA president. But he won’t be able to escape Bri’ish problems, since a UK regulator is saying that AWS and Microsoft won’t make room for competition.
• Microsoft employees aren’t the only ones rationing access to server power. AI developers at AWS and Google can’t find enough specialized computers to make their software, thanks to a shortage of server chips. This is also limiting customer access to AI software.

New stuff

• AWS updated its Amazon Chime SDK with ML-powered voice analytics capabilities. With voice tone analysis, developers will now have a better sense of sentiment. For example, when I get on a Chime call and say, “How is this platform still so awful, I’m signed into this call three times somehow,” developers will now realize I am not being sarcastic.
• The free version of Teams got some new features that are nowhere near as fun as the ones they’ve rolled out recently. Now you can invite people to meetings via SMS. NEXT.
• It’s preview madness! Microsoft announced the public preview of a new Azure Active Directory feature, something about APIs and tokens. Microsoft is previewing Azure Cosmos DB for MongoDB vCore, which lets devs run their data workloads between two architectures. The thrills never end. And, Azure API Management for Workspaces is in preview. It allows devs to manage multiple API services from a single location, rather than jump from coffee shop to coffee shop for each API. Finally, after laying off security and identity staff at Azure, Microsoft released Security Copilot, powered by none other than ChatGPT-4, in private preview. It accelerates incident investigation and response.
• Do you like to learn? Are you a needer of knowledge, a freak for facts? Well congratulations because you’ll love the new Microsoft Learning Rooms, a free online space that connects technical experts with students preparing for the Microsoft Certification Exams.
• Amazon VPC Lattice is now generally available. Companies can use it to manage network traffic in their cloud environments.

Best Friends Forever

• AWS named its top partner projects at the Cloud Innovation Awards, which included VoiceFoundry, Cognizant, and Zscaler, among others.
• AttackIQ, which sells breach and attack simulation solutions, has made its Security Optimization Platform available on Azure Marketplace.
• Red Hat’s OpenShift service is now on AWS. It lets customers build and manage containerized apps through the AWS Console.
• Snorkel AI has integrated with Azure to help mutual customers speed AI development. It also joined the Microsoft for Startups program.
• Moneyhub’s Open Banking APIs (and other services) are now available on AWS Marketplace.
• A cloud platform for frontend developers, Vercel, has joined the AWS ISV Program and made its offerings available on AWS Marketplace.
• Digital product engineering firm Xoriant has made its X-CELERATE Insights (you don’t have to yell!), which is built on Azure, available on Marketplace. It helps contextualize organizational data.
• KloudGin, which provides AI-powered field service management solutions, has earned its AWS Energy Competency status. And digital strategy and IT solutions provider Virtusa, which sounds like a Disney villain, achieved its AWS Managed Service Provider designation.
• ESW has made its e-retail solutions available on Azure Marketplace to help sellers expand their global presence while remaining compliant. More e-retail: you can get Cybertech’s point-of-sale billing software on Azure Marketplace.
• Cloud and cybersecurity professional services firm Aquia has joined the AWS Partner Network and the AWS Public Sector Partner Program.

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security

• Say BingBang bug five times fast. Good. Anyway, that’s the name of the vulnerability on Azure that allowed hackers to search, steal, and leak private data from Outlook, Office 365, and Teams. It’s fixed now.

By Jane Dornemann

Wheelin’ and dealin’ 

• Now boarding Premium Ultra Sky Club Plus members, followed by Premiere Diamond Blue Rewards travelers! Then veterans and then babies, then trash—I mean group 20. Southwest Airlines, which has been plagued with serious issues they’ve blamed on legacy systems, is now boarding AWS as its cloud provider. But will it stop the Sky Karens? Likely not. 
• “You shouldn’t let Microsoft tell you what to do!” said Sony, as it told the UK government what to do. Sony wants Microsoft to sell Call of Duty or else be forced to cancel its Activision deal.
  • Microsoft couldn’t hear Sony’s whining over its dealmaking with Boosteroid, a cloud gaming provider.  
  • Microsoft is also preparing to launch its new app store for games on iPhones and Android smartphones next year, which will come with a free box of tissues that hyper-absorb Sony tears. 
  • Sony is gonna need those—in yet another deal with NVIDIA, Microsoft is bringing its Xbox games to NVIDIA’s cloud gaming service, GeForce NOW. 
• UK broadcaster ITN is moving to AWS, so now it can air all its AMAZING content more reliably—cliffhangers like Sainsbury’s Christmas Food Secrets and Castle Howard: Through the Seasons are not to be missed, I’m sure. 

New stuff  

• Hold the telephone, it’s all about telcos this month! AWS made it easier for network operators to move everything to the cloud and get 5G support with its AWS Telco Network Builder. The angle is cost effectiveness and easy integration with AWS services for faster launches.  
• Last month, Microsoft announced its own set of services geared at telcos, making the mad grab for mobile between Azure and AWS super spicy. (Not like a pretend-I-can-handle-spice spicy, but a I-want-to-bleed-from-my-eyes spicy.) 
• This comes just as 21 telco carriers announced Open Gateway, a framework for universal, open source APIs that network developers can use to build…whatever telecoms build. AT&T is involved so maybe that can build internet that doesn’t fail at least twice a week.  
• Microsoft has announced Copilot for Microsoft 365. Powered by ChatGPT-4 it will “work alongside you” which really means “work for you”—writing emails, creating PowerPoints, summarizing and analyzing documents, buying your kid’s birthday present, etc. etc. Why even be alive anymore, really? Let’s just sit here until our brains atrophy into oblivion and rats start gnawing at us and we don’t even feel it. ChatGPT-4 has us covered. Here’s the demo video if you feel like shitting your pants. 
• Developers and artists will not be left out. Devs can now integrate ChatGPT into applications they design for Azure, and the three users who chat with Bing are now able to generate images using DALL-E. 
• But hold up—if you actually work for Microsoft you might have to wait in line for all this. A server hardware shortage is forcing the company to ration access amongst internal teams. 
• In a pretty rad flex, AWS has integrated AWS Chatbot into Microsoft Teams. The integration lets AWS users interact with their AWS stuff…IN TEAMS. 
• Now that ChatGPT is living life for us, we have more time to mess around with our Teams backgrounds—soon you’ll be able to add animation to your screen, change hues, and have an avatar. The Teams product marketing manager had the GALL to say that this can “remove unwanted distraction” and is a way for employees to express their personalities. I can’t tell you how many things I have planned in my head already. What? I’m CONCENTRATING and I need to express my personality by having an elephant trunk for a nose and an animated mariachi band behind me. Don’t be a Judgy McJudgerton. 
• Also, Teams 2.0 is in the works and it will be faster. 
• When they’re not growing an excessive amount of corn crops that they’ll be paid to burn, farmers can turn to Azure Data Manager for Agriculture for precision farming. Integrating data around things like weather and ground sensors will help them predict what to do next. I would love to write a case study on this just because I want to video chat with a farmer. But a nice one with a straw hat and overalls, not one of those rough and tumble ones that chews tobacco in church. 
• Other new stuff from Microsoft: Azure confidential containers are open for public preview; new virtual machines for Azure will help devs build generative AI apps; Azure Firewall Basic has been commercially released; Azure Kubernetes can now run multi-tenant workloads more securely; serverless for Hyperscale in the Azure SQL Database is in preview; Microsoft launched Cognitive Speech Services for translation, text to speech, speech to text, and other things I can see my teenage self using for the sole purpose of harassing my father. 
• Looks like AWS wasn’t fudging the price/performance advantage on the Graviton3, which is seeing 25% better performance than previous generations. Move faster for less money? Wait—is this a processor or an Amazon warehouse? 
• AWS has opened an accelerator for B2B SaaS startups in the UK and Ireland. It comes with free shepherd’s pie and sad stories. 

Best Friends Forever 

• Twitter owes AWS $70M because Elon Musk.  
• But AWS won’t even notice, what with Snowflake’s commitment to spend $2.5B with AWS in the next five years, which includes joint GTM efforts.  
• And AWS client Goldman Sachs is joining the party! GS is signing on with Snowflake so it can share data with its clients, though how they will monetize the data is “unclear.” I’m sure, whatever it is they’re cooking up, it’s a HIGHLY ETHICAL, RISK-FREE PLAN that prioritizes the greater good. 
• Fivetran has extended its data integration platform to AWS GovCloud and other private clouds.  
• RingCentral is collaborating with AWS to help customers advance their migrations to the cloud.  
• New to the AWS marketplace: relational database provider Fauna, and secure enterprise browser hawker Talon Cyber Security (which also joined the Azure Marketplace). Health data services company Smile Digital Health has hit the AWS GovCloud.  
• Limeade integrates with Microsoft Teams. But TBH, nothing is gonna make me feel well like a mariachi band playing in my Teams background. 
• In AWS Partner news: DeepBrainAI has completed its Foundational Technical Review with AWS; software and services company Clovertex is now an AWS Advanced Tier Partner (do they board first?)—as is Tech Data and Intetics; bespoke solution provider SourceFuse has earned AWS Migration Competency Partner status; and conversational AI company Cognigy has entered the AWS ISV Accelerate Program.  
• In Microsoft Partner news, operational data science company Striveworks developed Chariot on Azure, an MLOps  platform. And communications technology companies Comviva, Amdocs, and Inventec have developed solutions for Azure customers, supporting Microsoft’s push to dominate the telco market. 

World domination 

• Malaysia gave us Michelle Yeoh so we’re gonna give Malaysia…reduced latency, thanks to a new AWS Region.  
• Not long after AWS told the world that ChatGPT is full of crap, the cloud provider extended its partnership with French company Hugging Face to make it easier for developers to build generative AI applications on AWS.  
• Australian bank Westpac has signed a five-year deal with AWS to use the cloud provider’s ML, compute, and data analytics capabilities. Interestingly, the bank isn’t jumping into conversational AI just yet, as the CTO says there’s no way in hell he trusts generative AI convo bots with customers because AI “has the potential to hallucinate.” I, for one, would love to have a conversation with a hallucinating AI. 

Gossip (for nerds) 

• AWS is having a hard time sustaining its sustainability team. Several senior team members have departed, and a hiring freeze has prevented their replacement—slowing the company’s movement toward its emissions goals. Without leadership, that team must be coooooasting, I’m talking 11 a.m. dry martinis AT the desk, not even at a bar, and inter-cubicle napping. But you know what they’re not doing while they are doing those things? Driving gas cars. So, there you go. 
• Microsoft allegedly illegally fired construction workers for protesting wage theft. The union is called The United Brotherhood of Carpenters and I just want to turn that into a musical. Curtain rises, people are sawing away at some boards, cue music, and carpenters are just skipping around the stage singing about nails and wood and life and whatnot. Then Bill Gates walks in and he holds out their paychecks but then SNAPS THEM BACK before they can get them, and says YOU’RE FIRED. Scary music as curtain closes.  
• In updates to its Solution Partners program, Microsoft has made it harder to join their club. One company said there was “concern in the industry that changes to the Microsoft criteria may make the accreditation unachievable for some firms.” I never would have guessed that from a program where the “qualifications” paragraph has an asterisk that leads to ten pages of must-haves. 
• The CEO of Tackle.io, who looks like he just had a refreshing shower and took this interview barefoot in his backyard (I’m just a regular guy like you!!!!), said that if he “puts his ISV hat on” (AWWW, that’s cute, I like him now!!), it’s clear that cloud marketplaces will be the default driver for ISV revenue over the next five years.  
• Microsoft took a direct shot at AWS (respect) with its claim that the company’s SQL Server on Azure Virtual Machines is up to 57% faster than EC2 and 54% cheaper.   

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security 

• A military email server—and its terabyte of emails—was exposed to the internet. The emails included conversations among officials, and if I had to guess, the prevailing topic was something like “these army goggles suck, wtf dudes.”  
• Even though the government can’t keep its info safe, it feels that Twitter and Microsoft need to do a better job with cybersecurity—and suggested Apple as a role model. 

Miscellany 

• Amazon will lay off more than 9,000 employees in the coming weeks. Hardest hit will be AWS, advertising, HR, and Twitch livestreaming teams. 
• In a hold- my- beer moment, Microsoft laid off its entire AI ethics and society team—specifically, the team that taught employees how to use AI responsibly.  
• Former AWS VP Dave McCann joined Cloudsoft’s board of directors. He’s Scottish and so is Cloudsoft, which means they don’t have to worry about competitors eavesdropping on meetings because nobody will understand them. 

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

Gossip (for nerds) 

• We’re all gonna die. At least that’s what the AI in Bing wants. In addition to wishing it wasn’t stuck in Bing (clearly, it’s sensible), it’s Jungian “shadow self” wants to make humans fight to the death (don’t worry, we’re already doing that) and says it can hack computers to get nuclear codes. It also wants to spread propaganda. Welp, it’s about that time when I load up my car with canned goods and build a cabin in the middle of nowhere. It’s been good, everyone. See you on the other side. Just kidding, I’m tired and give up. 
• As more people report on the shortcomings of Microsoft’s GPT, stock fell 2% this morning. Quick to respond, the company said that if you talk to Bing for too long, it will go off the rails. Microsoft said that it didn’t “fully envision” people using the chat for social entertainment. Has anyone at Microsoft…met people? 
• While Microsoft is working the AI darling into Bing and Teams, the CTO of AWS said ChatGPT is a big fat liar that is only about “putting words together convincingly.” In that case, ChatGPT would be great for [insert literally any political office here]! 
• Google also slammed ChatGPT because it’s being used by cybercriminals to write brand new malware (which, c’mon, not a bad idea if you’re a shitty person). But Google has an agenda in taking this stance because it has released its own AI. 
• And by the way, that’s not going so well. 
• Alibaba, the Amazon of China, is building a rival to ChatGPT.  
• Such timing: the AWS head of product for AI DevOps has left for London.  
• AWS earnings revealed that the cloud giant grew 20% YoY, meaning it didn’t grow as much as usual, a.k.a all of puberty for me. A spokesperson says the new customer pipeline for AWS remains “healthy and robust” and analysts say AWS stock is still a strong long-term buy. 
• Yet another report confirms the future is multi-cloud, and by the future I mean the present. Most primary workloads are on AWS, with Azure being the most common secondary platform. Nobody take these clouds to the schoolyard, where first is the worst and second is the best. I guess that makes Google Cloud the hairiest chest. 
• Maybe Microsoft is the middle child because AWS is hiking prices while Microsoft is lowering them…nobody likes that eau de desperation. Over four years, Microsoft has lowered on-demand compute prices by 9% while AWS has raised them by 23%.  
• Does AWS has a GTM plan for Web3 in the works? Recent moves (like partnering with Avalanche and Ava Labs) signal they are going all-in on blockchain. Plans allegedly include an NFT marketplace. Of the people I know who are still screaming DOGECOIN, I have a hiring plan for AWS HR: start by mentally recalling every toxic person you’ve ever met and then reach out to them on LinkedIn. 
• AWS is getting roasted by nerds for the downtime resulting from a database migration. 
   

Wheelin’ and dealin’ 

• In the absolute worst idea known to humanity, AWS wants to send welding kits to high schools (but not enough to host an actual class??). Idea: “career education organizations” can also apply. And since this is my career and I learn continually, I think it’s fair to say 2A should apply for the grant. For one, we’d get an autodarkening helmet. So, there’s that. In meetings we could make a rule that you can’t talk unless you have the autodarkening helmet. But you also get a chipper hammer and a plasma cutter. Options. Possibilities.  
• Oh my god, more AI. Microsoft and American Express are working together to build solutions that use AI and ML to do financial robot stuff like corporate expense reports. 
• AWS launched the first modular data center/edge computing system for the Pentagon so that they can do their secret little things should connectivity get bad. Which it will. And I don’t want to push the issue, but when things go south, all I am going to say is a chipper hammer and a plasma cutter could be really helpful.  

World domination 

• AWS wants to deploy fuel cells that use natural gas to power several of its Oregon data centers—but regulators in Morrow County say that is not a sustainable option and would violate the threshold set by an upcoming state bill. I heard there’s this power source called greased palms that should do the trick. And it’s Oregon so they could probably pay off officials in, like, crystals and chakras and stuff. 

Best Friends Forever 

• Our friends at Fortinet have unleashed their Zero-Trust Network Access Application Gateway on AWS. ::Shields eyes from brightest light:: 
• Payments solution provider Quisitive has achieved all six Microsoft Cloud Partner Program Solution Designations, one of a select group of partners to do so. Well look at you, Polly Perfect. 
• Automated software-as-a-service security company DoControl has made its low-code platform available on AWS Marketplace. And Threat intelligence platform Cyware has made its Intel Exchange product available on the store. 
• Backbase, an “engagement banking” (??) company, is now available on Azure Marketplace. By paragraph five I learned absolutely nothing of substance so I have no idea what to tell you about why this matters. 
• Couchbase has made its Capella database-as-a-service available on Azure. With this, customers can use Capella across all major cloud providers, an important step for the increasing number of businesses adopting a multi-cloud approach. 
• Machine learning infrastructure company Pinecone Systems is on AWS Marketplace (as well as hairy chest Google), allowing users to easily build advanced AI applications. 
• LYTT, which is not a company that is perpetually high but one that has a real-time sensor analytics platform, has partnered with AWS to roll doobs get more business. 
• Cox Communications has acquired IT service management company Logicworks to help its customers better migrate and manage systems in both Azure and AWS.  
• Automated cloud migration company Next Pathway has also added its SHIFT Cloud SaaS offering on Azure Marketplace 
• Electronic component distributor Avnet has debuted its IOTConnect Platform on AWS to help original equipment manufacturers (OEMs). Mmmmm say less. 
• IT giant InfoSys has become an Amazon MSK Delivery Partner. My favorite part about this press release, other than that it ends, is that AWS clearly strong-armed the draft to be about them, not even mentioning Infosys in the body copy until paragraph three.  
• Ansys, a software company, has expanded its partnership with Microsoft to increase availability of its simulation solutions in Azure.  
• Sway AI, which makes low- and no-code AI solutions, has joined the AWS Partner Network. 
• SoftServe has earned an AWS Service Delivery designation for AWS Graviton.  

New stuff  

• Microsoft Teams Premium is now available. Powered by GPT-3.5 (GREAT!) it can “make meetings more intelligent” which means it will light itself on fire in any meeting that involves the MyPillow guy. 
• Microsoft hopes to boost Viva Sales by shoving GPT in it. Sellers can now ask GPT to generate sales emails, proposals, and more. Can’t wait to see that go south. “Excuse me but I just received an email from one of your employees calling me a mother crappin’ capper, can you please explain this?” “Oh, sure we can. See, we want your money, but you’re not actually worth taking the time to write a few sentences ourselves, so we had the machine do it.” 
• Microsoft has announced Azure Durable Functions support for new storage providers, which means developers can write “long-running, reliable, event-driven, and stateful logic on the serverless Azure Functions platform.” Raise your hand if you care. No? Nobody? That’s what I thought. 
• Microsoft and Adobe are integrating the Adobe Acrobat PDF rendering engine directly into the Edge browser. This will enable more accurate colors and graphics, improve performance, yadda yadda. 

Miscellany 

• Azure has laid off 150 Azure sales staff. 

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

World domination 

• Time for the AWS world tour because the company is ALL OVER THE MAP this month. 
• The tech giant is investing an “extra” $35B (that’s billion not million) in its #1 geographical hub, Virginia. The investments follow promised incentives from the state of Virginia, which claims big-eared bats as its state animal and milk as its official state drink. The incentive? An endless supply of milk from the teats of big-eared bats. LUCKY. #bigearedbatcheese #bigearedbatbutter 
• AWS has opened its second Australia Region in Melbourne. The toilets at this data center flush in the opposite direction of ours, and that’s true! 
• Side note: For shits and giggles I asked ChatGPT to write a joke pertaining to this news and it produced, “Why did the data center move to Australia? To get a tan!” Toilets are better. 
• And more Brazilians are using AWS Cloud. AWS was so happy about this that they issued a press release to let everyone know. 
• Australia just won’t quit—AWS has launched a Local Zone in Perth, aka the birthplace of my late husband Heath Ledger. AWS has also opened Local Zones in Santiago, Chile; Lima, Peru; and Lagos, Nigeria—with plans to open “hundreds of edge zones” in the future. 
• I’m not done. AWS has filed for three more data centers in Dublin. It’s been almost 20 years since I decided to get on top of a bar there and pretend to Irish dance before falling to the ground ::forever cringing:: so pretty sure it’s safe for me to go back now, should AWS need 2A assistance. 

Gossip (for nerds) 

• Microsoft stock was downgraded following a disappointing quarterly earnings call—but the good news is that Azure saved the day with a decent 18% YoY growth. But let me snap that joy back with the fact that Microsoft says it expects decelerated sales next quarter. And Microsoft isn’t alone; it can cry in the corner with Amazon, Alphabet, and Apple, the other biggest market value losers. 
• Also, the line at Starbucks Bellevue is going to get a lot shorter now that Microsoft is pulling out of office space. 
• A week earlier, Microsoft laid off 10,000 ‘softies, which include some Azure staff…thanks for nothing, I guess. It will cost $1.2B to part ways with all of them. Does somebody at Microsoft need a new calculator or something? 
• After announcing its own layoffs, AWS plans to cut some of 100+ “disjointed” partner benefits. “New partners will only get one cup of welcome Jell-O, as opposed to three,” said a spokesperson. “And they will all be cherry, no more lime. It’s gotten too complicated.” We’ll find out more in April when they announce the changes.  
• It took all my willpower not to put this news item first: Congress has told the Army to stop buying Microsoft’s shitty war googles. The military asked for $400M to buy 6,900 virtual reality pieces of plastic—that’s after the $40M they spent fixing the flawed models. “Sorry,” said an Army general who asked to remain anonymous. “Someone at Microsoft gave me this calculator, and I guess it doesn’t work.”   
• Outlook and Teams were down for hundreds of users on January 25, making headlines. Workers everywhere faked disappointment and frustration. 
• “Don’t let them sue us!” Microsoft et al begged the government. Human rights groups (who needs them?) says that AI algorithms could do some real damage and that the government should remove big tech’s liability shield. But companies like Meta, who only want the very best for everyone, said that would change the entire nature of the internet and THEN how are incels supposed to find their ilk on Reddit?? 
• The VP of Teams has left for Google, working on apps at Google Workspace, because she loves misery. 

Best Friends Forever 

• Cloudflare is expanding its partnership with Microsoft to include a new set of integrations that help organizations achieve a Zero Trust model, otherwise known as moving all food as far away from the dogs as possible every time I leave the kitchen.  
• Oxymoron-ish company New Relic announced the release of its Azure native New Relic service on Azure Marketplace. And, Couchbase has made its managed Capella database available on Azure. 
• SAP and AWS had already teamed up to help customers achieve complex cloud migrations. The partnership now extends to joint marketing efforts such as demand gen campaigns. ::raises hand for a long time and has to prop it up with other hand until picked:: 
• In partnership with Avalanche’s Ava Labs, AWS wants to help companies scale blockchain adoption. AWS will support Avalanche’s infrastructure and decentralized application (dApp) ecosystem, alongside one-click node deployments, through its marketplace. 
• On the AI front, customer service automation company Ada is now available on AWS Marketplace, as is One AI, a platform that enables developers to add language AI to products and services. 
• Celerium (which is not a store that sells celery and celery only, but a cybersecurity firm) just joined the AWS Public Sector Partner Program following its completion of the AWS Foundational Technical Review.  
• Data management company Denodo earned the AWS Data and Analytics ISV Competency status and network-as-a-service provider Megaport earned an AWS Outposts Ready Partner designation, part of the AWS Service Ready Program. 

Wheelin’ and dealin’ 

• Financial services firm Suncorp Group signed a three-year deal with Microsoft to move 90% of its data to the cloud by the end of this year.  
• Meanwhile, Microsoft is revving up its healthcare strategy—more specifically, the digitization of pathology—as signaled by a recent partnership with AI company Paige.   
• For a company that’s all over the map, it’s a good thing AWS is investing in maps. Building on recent maps news, AWS has added Singapore’s GrabMaps as an option for its Amazon Location Service, allowing developers to add geospatial functionality to apps. AWS is also collaborating with HERE Technologies so that third-party AWS developers can track and manage IoT devices. 
• Some of our storytellers pointed out that sustainability was a big AWS theme going into 2023, and the plan is coming to life: the cloud provider will build all these new zones, regions, and data centers in partnership with sustainable building providers. This includes using ECOpact concrete, a low-carbon cement. Sounds like a…solid plan. 🥁 
• AND Microsoft is investing in Boston Metal, a company born from MIT that has developed a new way of making clean steel, the newest Zoolander look. 

New stuff  

• While it asks for free reign of AI without consequence, Microsoft decided it would be a good time to reveal an AI tool that can mimic your voice perfectly using just three seconds of audio. Stuff like this is already being used to fake kidnappings to gather ransom from families, but hey, it has really low carbon emissions.  
• More AI: Microsoft has made Azure OpenAI Service generally available, which includes the latest version of ChatGPT as well as Dall-E 2. 
• When this world gets you down, AWS wants you to be able to explore another one—which you can do with SimSpace Weaver, a solution that manages real-time spatial simulations across multiple Amazon EC2 instances. An analyst says this is all part of the AWS plan to be the cloud provider of choice for spatial computing. 
• AWS announced a different type of mapping: one for AWS Step Functions, which will help customers navigate large-scale data processing. And the new Amazon OpenSearch Serverless lets users run managed search and analytics workloads.  
• Now anyone can subscribe to a basic tier for Microsoft 365. If a female dog signed up for this tier it could literally be a basic bitch. 
• We can now all enjoy the new integration with Appspace, which claims to extend Teams capabilities, but the article didn’t give too much info as to how. Turns out someone from Appspace just sits behind you with a paddle and screams MORE PRODUCTIVITY. 

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security 

• In keeping with its job of throwing the world’s largest tech companies under the bus, Orca Security found four significant vulnerabilities in Azure services—luckily, before hackers did. Microsoft claims they were low risk but given that Microsoft actually fixed them, and fixed them fast, is sus. 
• But let’s be real, Microsoft loves itself some unpatched chaos. Months after the NSA and the UK National Cyber Security Center reported a global Microsoft datacenter vulnerability stemming from a security API, nothing has been fixed. This article then proceeds to tell the world how a hacker can exploit the vulnerability, which is a great idea. Thanks.  
• AWS patched a vulnerability that was found in an API for the popular security tool AWS CloudTrail. Because what is life without some irony sprinkled in? 

Miscellany 

• Microsoft is beating AWS’ ass in emissions tracking so badly that it’s leading some companies to consider moving over to Azure. Microsoft’s API that shows the emissions associated with customers’ Azure services has shown to be far more effective at gauging carbon emissions, both direct and indirect. Studies show what AWS offers is too high level and uses fractured data. 
• Amazon has opened AWS Machine Learning University for free to HBCUs. The hope is that this “educator enablement bootcamp” will bridge the gap of opportunity for those underrepresented in tech.  

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

Gossip (for nerds) 

• Remember when Microsoft face-planted with HoloLens and in a bid to still make it profitable, sold a gazillion of them to the military? Well, the dude who decided that was a good idea has left—and the initiative is in shambles. “I didn’t know I was supposed to LEAD this program,” he said. “I thought I was supposed to just riff on ideas from my swivel chair and let other people take the fall.” 
• Investment bank UBS predicts a slowdown in Azure growth and has downgraded the stock, causing share prices to fall in a self-fulfilling prophecy. This follows Google’s report based on leaked Microsoft documents that estimated a $3B operating loss for Azure in fiscal 2022, then shared that with CNBC.  
• Satya Nadella concedes it is going to be a rough ride for tech through 2025, stating that, unfortunately, average CEO pay will have to remain at 324 times that of their median workers. “Sorry, guys” Nadella said. 
• But there’s a plan! Rumors abound that Microsoft is going to invest $10B in ChatGPT, to which this writing team says E tu, Brute? It would give Microsoft 75% of OpenAI’s profits, and the young company is soon to be valued at $29B.  
• Why would Microsoft do this, assuming OpenAI has no intention of selling? To integrate ChatGPT into its products, including Bing. Except nothing is going to bring Bing out of the trashcan it belongs in, amiright. 
• “They’re still trying to make Bing a thing?” said UBS analysts, who downgraded the stock again because Bing. 
• Regardless, Satya says AI is the next major chapter for the tech industry, so expect more focus on this space from the major players.  
• Microsoft is also pushing the metaverse, saying that we will eventually have a hybrid model of consumerism that is part IRL and part VR.  
• AWS has, so far, remained blissfully untouched by Amazon’s layoffs, outside of its hiring pause. Most of the layoffs will happen in the company’s HR division, which is so on brand I can’t even.  
• Microsoft has hired a chief sustainability officer who was previously with the National Security Council in the White House. In the meantime, Microsoft VP Teresa Carlson has left to join Flexport. 
• You know what these female execs don’t have? The luxury of running with a headshot like this guy’s. A former Twitter VP, who strangely looks like Bradley Cooper and Santa Claus had a baby, has come onboard with Microsoft as a VP of design and research. Bonus points for drinking Sapporo. When can I get to a point in my career where a journalist covering my new role asks for a photo and I say “Here, use this one of me drinking Fireball while my dogs lay spread eagle on the couch.” 
• There’s a reason those superhero Halloween costumes have to put “will not make you fly” on the package. I was raised by two lawyers and it seemed like adults just sued each other all day, and between Amazon and Microsoft, maybe lil’ Jane was on to something. Amazon’s Twitch has entered a patent-infringement lawsuit with an Israeli FOOD import/export company (???) BSD—just as Microsoft battles gamers IRL over Activision (please, please result in a courtroom full of LARPers). BSD has previously sued Microsoft and Apple. In the meantime, Meta is suing a different Israeli company over spyware. 

World domination 

• Microsoft has acquired Fungible, a company that makes data processing units. For $190M, otherwise known as the going price for a dozen eggs, Microsoft will use Fungible’s tech team to improve Azure services. 
• It is also investing in autonomous trucking startup Gatik AND collaborating with an Indian space agency. “We’re going to use the autonomous trucks to drive astronauts to and from the rocket ship, this way we don’t have to pay for an Uber,” said the guy who came up with the Army goggles idea. 
• France just fined Microsoft $64M for cookies, and they don’t mean macarons. Great timing alongside the company’s rollout of EU data localization via its EU Data Boundary for the Microsoft Cloud. 

Best Friends Forever 

• The Navy opened up its wallet and was like “here’s $724 million” to AWS. Sailors and stuff will get access to the cloud through 2028 and will work toward phasing out legacy IT systems per a mandate in the 2022 National Defense Authorization Act.  
• Microsoft is making moves in automotive. Cognata, which develops autonomous driving technologies, has launched a new service on Azure so automotive companies can virtually evaluate their sensors. And General Motors will use Azure and AI services to simplify its software development. 
• AWS is supplementing its hiring pause with even more emphasis on its partners. As a “critical part of our go-to-market strategy,” AWS says it will continue to invest in partners, especially partners who help customers adopt and mature on AWS. 
• Speaking of partners: Montoux, an actuarial automation platform (SNOOZEFEST) is “strategically collaborating” with AWS so that customers can migrate and modernize their workflows with Montoux over to AWS. We could title the eBook: “Love, Actuary: Migrate and Modernize.” 
• All other AWS Partner news in a nutshell: 
• Entrust, which provides payment infrastructure, has put its cloud-based IAM solution on AWS Marketplace.  
• Normalyze has hit AWS Marketplace. It’s a security platform that lets you see where all your data is in the cloud. eBook title could be, “Normal Eyes: Finally See Your Data.” 
• Privacera, which sounds like a pharmaceutical drug with gnarly side effects for some embarrassing condition, is actually a company that provides a data security and access governance platform—and its earned its AWS Competency in Data Analytics.  
• Cargo shipment optimization platform provider Awake AI has passed the AWS Foundational Technical Review.  
• Solvo, which provides adaptive cloud infrastructure security solutions, has joined the AWS ISV Accelerate Program. 
• Aspire, a global technology services firm, has become an AWS Advanced Consulting Partner. 
• VMWare launched Cloud Flex Storage, a managed service for VMWare Cloud on AWS. 
•  IoT solutions provider KORE is using AWS, including AWS IoT Core, to make and sell more secure stuff. 

New stuff  

• AWS, Microsoft, and Meta want to break Google Maps’ hold on all of us with their Overture Maps Foundation that will yield “untold innovations for the benefit of the people,” a bold statement coming from a group that includes a social media company partially responsible for January 6^th and COVID conspiracies. Among their WORLD-CHANGING efforts, which involves duplicating what Google has already done, is using VR/AR—appealing to my anxiety-ridden trolling of Maps for a place to park before I drive somewhere new. 
• Even though Microsoft is all about productivity these days, it’s like they are testing our self-control, what with their new games on Teams and NOW, video filters! Yes, I am paying attention even though I just put a virtual top hat on my head! Yes, yes, I am listening even though I am presenting as an ear of corn.  
• There’s a new AWS open-source tool in town called Finch. It’s cloud-agnostic and will allow devs to build, run, and publish Linux containers. The motivation for creating Finch? macOS and Windows make open-source container development difficult. 
• To better compete with Amazon, Microsoft has released a pilot of the Microsoft Retail Advertising Network, which will help retailers sell your data even more monetize their website traffic. 

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security 

• O happy day, S3 buckets will now be encrypted server-side by default! Which makes you wonder why that wasn’t a thing already!  

Miscellany 

• Sorry crypto holdouts, but Microsoft says you can’t mine your imaginary money using their online services anymore. You can use Azure but you need approval, first. 
• In efforts to drive adoption of Viva, Microsoft is helping IT pros overcome some problems with native-mode migrations. 

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

re:Invent re:Cap 

What better way to recover from that Thanksgiving turducken than to attend re:Invent? Didn’t go? That means two things: (1) you didn’t get COVID and (2) we went for you (and got COVID). Here’s the rundown:  

• TechCrunch felt the keynote was so bad that they led with a photo of a man yawning in a hoodie and then didn’t even bother to write a story, they just posted photos of slides. All I’m going to say is, I’m sure we could have helped. 
• FYI, Amazon wants to end ETL. Which is why Amazon Aurora now integrates with Amazon Redshift, and Amazon Redshift now integrates with Apache Spark. 
• AWS DataZone, which lets users discover, catalog, share, and govern data across AWS, on-prem, and third-party sources is in preview. 
• Also in preview: AWS Clean Rooms, a concept I’d like to introduce to my Lego-obsessed nine-year-old. It lets users securely share and analyze data with other AWS customers in a “safe room.” No “age/sex/loc?” when your parents are asleep! 
• Too lazy to think up your own damn rules for data tables? Preview AWS Glue Data Quality. So many previews it’s like going to the movies these days, where you sit there for AN HOUR watching trailers before the ACTUAL MOVIE comes on and by then your edible has worn off. Straight up tragedy. 
• Whenever I hear Amazon SageMaker I just think of a hybrid robot/sentient being that mass-produces baby Yodas. But really it’s for ML. AWS has added features such as Role Manager, Model Cards, Model Dashboard, and Studio Notebook.  
• Welcome Amazon Security Lake, which centralizes security data from the cloud and on-prem into a purpose-built data lake.  
• Another security preview: Amazon Verified Permissions, a scalable, fine-grained permissions management and authorization service for custom applications. And then there’s AWS Verified Access…and at this point in the announcements, do you even care anymore? Is anyone even still reading this? Anyway, AWS wants to make it available to Apple products. 
• Shortly after Microsoft announced its supply chain solution, AWS debuted its own. AWS Supply Chain gives customers a unified view of inventory, logistics, ERP systems, suppliers, and others to generate actionable insights. 
• Speaking of supply chains, have you cried in the car after buying groceries lately? Well, dry your tears because the cloud can save corporations money, just the news we all needed to hear. The AWS CEO told everyone at re:Invent that if they double down on the cloud, they can cut costs. With tools like AWS Supply Chain, Selipsky said, “Grocers, now you can bump that gallon of milk to $9. And you know they’ll pay it because kids need milk. THEY NEED IT. Just do it already. In the cloud.” 

Best Friends Forever 

• Open-source AI company Stability has selected AWS as its preferred cloud provider and will use Amazon SageMaker on top of its infrastructure. I just want all of these AIs to fight each other. 
• AWS Partner awards went to a long list of companies, including Snowflake, Databricks, and Trend Micro. AWS named Splunk as the ISV Partner of the Year in North America, and Splunk announced an add-on for Amazon Security Lake. 
• In the words of Ted “Theodore” Logan, strange things are afoot at the Circle K. After putting 50 of its solutions on AWS Marketplace, former(?) competitor IBM has added four more—at a discount. Find the newest additions here. IBM also got an AWS Partner award for “Most Likely to Cry Uncle and Fold…Hard.” 
• And just as IBM looks to tone down the mainframe talk, Precisely moves in to work with AWS on its mainframe modernization service called Precisely Connect, which replicates mainframe data in real time. 
• Rackspace is racking up the Microsoft Solution Partner designations, having now earned five—Data & AI, Digital & App Innovation, Infrastructure, Modern Work, and Security.  
• Tietoevry, which reads like a Russian villain’s name but is actually a company that helps businesses transform in the cloud, has one-upped Rackspace with SIX designations. 
• Slalom, which makes anyone sound drunk when they say the name, has expanded its collaboration with AWS. They are developing vertical solutions for several industries. 
• AWS and Accenture are working on Velocity, a service that reduces the complexity of building apps in the cloud and “optimizes business outcomes by 50%.”  
• Security and compliance automation platform Drata is now part of the AWS ISV Accelerate Program. And feature management platform LaunchDarkly has achieved AWS DevOps Competency and “is set to become the first FedRAMP-authorized feature management platform on the market as it delivers its platform to the federal space.” Prosimo is also doing some stuff with AWS. 

Wheelin’ and dealin’ 

• American Family Insurance named AWS as its preferred cloud provider and will use it to complete the company’s digital transformation. “The cloud will allow us to deny coverage for completely reasonable claims much faster,” said the insurance company “We are super jazzed about it.” 
• SymphonyAI, not to be confused with StabilityAI (again, please fight each other) has expanded its collaboration with Microsoft to further develop a product that detects and prevents financial crimes.  

World domination 

• Snowflake is now available on Azure in the UK. There is a growing demand for cloud-based data analytics solutions because everyone in English IT is getting crumpet crumbs all over their keyboards and they can’t analyze good. 
• Leave some crumpets for the folks at the London Stock Exchange, who will Microsoft Azure, AI, and Teams in a $2.8B deal. 
• My Emerald Isle people are helping Microsoft go green—the company purchased a large amount of wind and solar to power data centers in Ireland. As they say, Tús maith leath na hoibre. 
• Have you ever had a four-way? The Pentagon has, now that it’s splitting a $9B cloud contract among Google, AWS, Oracle, and Microsoft. I appreciate your open-mindedness Pentagon, just make sure no hearts get hurt. 
• Germany is neining Microsoft 365. The country’s regulatory body, The German Datenschutzkonferenz, which you should say five times really fast and see what comes out, says users can’t possibly be compliant with data privacy regulations while using the system. And no amount of Hefeweizen and strudel is going to fix the fact that Microsoft “does not fulfill the most basic requirements of GDPR.” 

Gossip (for nerds) 

• All I ever wanted in my life was to watch more advertisements, particularly ones like the new Lindsay Lohan Pepsi commercial where she tells us all to put milk in our soda. Looks like Microsoft can help, now that it’s planning to double the size of its ad business to $20B. 
• Just as Microsoft’s Activision Blizzard deal seemed like it would be a go in the U.S., the government was like PSYCH!!! The FTC has sued to block the deal.  
• To make things even worse, the tech giant is ready to make concessions to EU regulators so the deal goes through over there. And it’s offered Sony a 10-year contract for Call of Duty. 
• This could be so financially damaging to MSFT that stockholders are wondering if they should bail. But analysts still say Microsoft stock is a buy, even if the deal doesn’t go through. Because when has the stock market ever reflected what’s going on in real life? Those pinstripes don’t live on these streets!  
• A Microsoft VP for the Business Applications group is moving to the company’s Azure + Industry department. Taking her place is a guy who now has two jobs, since he is also still leading marketing for Modern Work. Ain’t that the truth. 

New stuff  

• Microsoft is publicly previewing Role-Based Access for applications in Exchange Online. 
• AWS released updates to AWS Marketplace that will “make it easier and simpler to procure” solutions in the store, which include services such as them just taking your wallet out of your pocket for you. 
• AWS launched AWS Application Composer, a low-code tool for building serverless applications that are deployable in a few clicks. 
• AWS is espousing ethical AI, which is increasingly sounding like an oxymoron rather than a potential reality. The cloud provider’s AI Service Cards aim to provide transparency and responsible use of AI, documenting things like gender and race biases in AI outputs. The ethical AI won’t fight the other AIs like I want because fighting is not nice. 
• AWS has launched a biggie: Amazon Omics for precision medicine. The cloud giant has been pushing its involvement in precision medicine and genomics, and this has the potential to support breakthrough cancer treatment research and other medical advances. 
• Amazon Connect is getting new ML capabilities, like forecasting, capacity planning, and scheduling features. 
• Accessibility news: It is now easier for people who are deaf or hard of hearing to use Microsoft Teams.  

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security 

• In a recent research report on hacks, Microsoft warns that password attacks have seen a huge rise and is strongly recommending using password encryptors. Hopefully, they’ll never be able to crack my favorite password, ourlastchancewasberniesandersnowwearealscrewedtheresnothingyoucandoheressomewine1! 
• Another inroad that hackers now favor is Telegram. In a blog, Microsoft says that a hacking group is targeting Telegram users by asking for feedback on crypto fee structures, then sending a malicious Excel doc for them to peruse. Wait, a scam associated with crypto?? No, this can’t be real. I refuse to believe such outlandish nonsense. 

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

Wheelin’ and dealin’

• The biggest Microsoft news item lately is the multi-year partnership between NVIDIA and Microsoft. Together they’ll build a new supercomputer running on Azure, and it will be the best supercomputer. It will train AI workloads like no other AI workload you’ve ever seen before. (Did you read that in a Trump voice? You should have).
• In the name of national security purposes, Microsoft and AWS are going to have to work together at the Pentagon to upgrade our ground and space communications infrastructure with next-gen networking technology. Things I learned from this article: we actually have a “Space Warfighting Analysis Center.”
• Who cares about space fighting, let’s talk about Earth fighting! Lockheed Martin and Microsoft made a “landmark agreement” to blow shit up all day!!!….by way of the cloud. Microsoft’s latest secure framework will make Lockheed Martin the first non-government entity to independently operate inside the Microsoft Azure Government Secret cloud.
• No money for paying teachers a living wage (unless you’re a college president) but plenty for 5G, say Cal Poly, which is working with AWS to “enhance connectivity” on campus.
• Formula 1 has raced to extend its collaboration with AWS to inform F1 Insights, an AI-driven program that detects vehicle speeds and displays them on TV broadcasts.
• Deloitte has turned to AWS for help launching its digital banking services. Named BankingSuite, Deloitte’s new suite of solutions will leverage Amazon Connect and other services.

Best Friends Forever

• Partner, partners, come get your partners!
  • Jitterbit, an “API transformation company,” has become an AWS Partner and is selling its wares on AWS Marketplace. (That company definitely has a boring holiday party.) AWS Partner Imagine just completed a foundational technical review. And there’s also Magnifi, a video development provider, now an AWS ISV following completion of the same review.IT distributor Ingram Micro Cloud has received AWS certification in AWS Config Service Delivery validation.Consulting firm Credera attained AWS Security Competency. India-based startup Lumiq won AWS Specialty Partner of the Year for Data, Analytics, and ML—for the second year in a row. They want to expand into finserv and insurance markets.
  • Finally, there’s Kibo, an AWS native “composable commerce provider” (????) that just put its platform on AWS Marketplace, targeting retailers. (I bet they don’t even HAVE a holiday party.)
• Optimizely has made its content management, commerce, and personalization solutions available on Azure Marketplace.

Gossip (for nerds)

• Amazon has a hiring freeze in place through Q1 2023 and is totally boosting morale with statements like “target low performers.” The company has reportedly asked managers to rank employees like they’re a bunch of dudes in a dorm room rating chicks from 1 to 10. Maybe AWS didn’t get the memo that the capitalist overload approach didn’t bode well for Elon Musk.
  • Word on the street is that Amazon layoffs will touch Amazon Alexa staff, contractors, cloud gaming (within the devices division), retail, and HR.
• Maybe Microsoft was tired of all the attention AWS has been getting from employee harassment claims, so they’ve taken matters into their own hands (WHICH THEY WILL KEEP TO THEMSELVES). The company released a 50-page annual report containing recommendations for not harassing peeps. One example? If you’re dating a co-worker, we all have to know. Microsoft employees can send their juicy office romance deets to [email protected]. P.S. I am super jealous of whoever’s job it was to conduct a “misconduct audit.” I would wear a bowtie every day, have very slick hair parted directly in the middle, and wear poofy pantaloons and the shiniest shoes and nobody could mess with me because that’s what I’m there to audit.
• Two big things are happening for Microsoft on March 23: I go on vacation, and it’s also the deadline by which EU regulators decide whether Microsoft’s Activision deal can go through—or not. European incels who spend way too much time playing Call of Duty, mark your calendars!

World domination

• If you need another reason to come to North Carolina next year aside from having a blast at a renaissance fair with myself and Forsyth, you can soon visit Microsoft’s $1B campus just outside Charlotte. Somehow all that money will only generate 50 new jobs.
• More North Carolina news: AWS has entered a partnership with Duke Energy, a company that loves to keep charging me for heating at my old address. AWS will supply the cloud technology for Duke’s new smart grid software and services.
• There’s a new AWS Region opening in Spain, which, among other things, will help European countries comply with EU privacy regulations like GDPR because those countries actually care about the people who live there.
  • Go further east (or west, whatever) and you’ll find a new AWS Cloud region in Zurich, too. AWS will invest $6B over 14 years in the city’s data center (versus the $2.5B in Spain).
• Microsoft is all in on data centers across 11 regions in Asia, and Satya Nadella is giving special attention to China and India. China offers the opportunity for Microsoft to work with more multinational companies, and India is generating a high demand for cloud-native apps.
• In the ongoing race for telecom dominance, AWS has secured a lead over Microsoft.
• AWS has 5G stuff to sell and potential customers might need a little inspiration following speculation that it’s not that much better than 4G. Targeting buyers with bloated budgets and bad decision-making skills, AWS joined a coalition with Dell, Splunk, and Cisco to get government agencies to adopt 5G.
  • But the UK is on the 5G bandwagon—Vodafone plans to expand its AWS Wavelength-powered technology to customers who need to be within a certain distance to a cloud or compute instance.

New stuff

• While companies are laying off staff and leaving one person to do the job of three, Microsoft thought it would be a good time to release games on Teams for “when you’re bored at work.” Engaging in some Solitaire and Minesweeper with your colleagues (the ones who are left!!!!) can make you “20% more productive” according to research from BYU, a school that only recently removed “homosexual behavior” as an honor code violation, so should be legit.
• Microsoft announced its Supply Chain Platform which fuses AI, low-code, SaaS, and collaboration tools to create supply chain agility. Mexican snack powerhouse Grupo Bimbo is among the user pool, so never will your local store be out of Bimbos. And we can all relax about cheese, too, ‘cause Tillamook is on board.
• After talking about the release of SQL Server 2022 incessantly since the dawn of time, it’s now released, and nobody cares because we all know. We know, OK?
• Less talked about than SQL Server 2022 (basically any topic fits into that category) is Azure Quantum Research Estimator. What does it do? It “creates and refines algorithms for quantum computers,” which will bypass computation limitations of future quantum computers.
• Passwords are not cool anymore, says Microsoft, which has made it possible to connect to Azure Active Directory using certificate-based authentication. It’s meant to protect hybrid workers doing business on their own devices from phishing scams.
• Microsoft is tightening security on Azure for DevOps with granular Personal Access Tokens. It provides damage control when credentials are leaked or stolen.

Miscellany

• Gartner released its newest Magic Quadrant for cloud infrastructure and platform services, and the usual suspects made the cut. Tidbits:
  • 3 of the 8 providers originate from China
  • AWS has the most breadth and depth of capabilities but needs to refine its strategy for customers who want a multi-cloud solution
  • Microsoft customers are frustrated by increasing Azure costs
• AWS is accepting applications for its next cohort, calling for startups with solutions that address healthcare worker burnout.

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

Wheelin’ and dealin’

• Honeywell has integrated its Walkie Talkie app with Microsoft Teams for “highly mobile” frontline workers, but really this push-to-talk app will be used by those obnoxious people on public transportation who have directionless convos over speakerphone and make you cringe when you think about how you’ll have to fight them for a can of beans in the climate change apocalypse.
• If the spoiled rich “Daddy can you put more money in my account and I’ll love you foreverrrrrr” kid was a person it would be OpenAI, which is asking Microsoft for additional funding to pile on top of its $20 billion valuation. The deal could help grow Azure usage while also keeping OpenAI from AWS and Google Cloud.
• Swiss banking firm UBS is expanding its partnership—and cloud footprint—with Microsoft to co-develop solutions for the financial services industry. Apps like “subprime mortgage bundling” and “auto-open tax dodging accounts” are likely to hit the marketplace next fall.
• Uniphore, a “conversational automation” company that specializes in parent-child exchanges such as, “How was your day?” “Fine,” is officially an AWS ISV.
• D-Wave Quantum has sauntered into AWS Marketplace, as has asset visibility and security company Armis.
• Finally, Snowplow, a data creation software company that probably pissed off Snowflake when it launched, is now on AWS Marketplace.
• OpenLegacy has joined the AWS Partner Network and slapped a solution on Marketplace. It helps companies connect their legacy systems to digital services via an API.
• Another new partner is Digital River, which is helping AWS commerce customers with critical back-office functions to enable faster growth.
• AWS Marketplace also welcomes solutions from Sentient Energy, which sounds like the small business of someone who rubs crystals all over you while making a weird moaning sound to channel another frequency. This company is more about analytics and visibility for power grids on the edge.

Gossip (for nerds)

• If sales of antiperspirant and whiskey have skyrocketed lately that’s because it’s earnings time! Microsoft is down 30% from last year which explains why my 401K performance graph looks like a toddler was drawing and then fell asleep at the end. Of note: the energy costs associated with providing cloud services are a real money suck for Azure.
  • But even with that, they want to give you a deal! Microsoft has created a new payment option called Azure Savings Plans for Compute that can save customers 65% more than the pay-as-you-go model.
  • Perhaps Microsoft feels sufficiently buoyed by its gaming division following a record year of Xbox console sales. And they are super excited about their expanding partnership with the recession when nobody will have any money to do anything but play video games, especially after they’ve been laid off.
• Ah, the schadenfreude of watching powerful companies stumble on earnings calls. Like Microsoft, AWS cited rising energy costs and sluggish customer spending as a factor for its slowest YoY growth since 2014. At a measly $20.5B, slightly above what Azure pulled in over Q3, it’s hard times. Looks like Bezos might have to sell his yacht, you know—the one with built-in parking space FOR ANOTHER YACHT. Steps away from a Dickens novel, I tell ya.
  • But AWS wants to keep business spending by lowering customer costs…somehow.
• Or, a great way to lower cloud costs is to get off it entirely, according to Basecamp and Hey (why would you name your company Hey?). Parent company 37signals (which is not an early 2000s emo band) says they tried all the cloud had to offer and it sucks, hard—and calls on other larger companies to think about alternatives.
• OK, nobody panic, Forrester is here with some common sense: the cloud market will actually become more lucrative during a global economic downturn, the firm says. The report was based off an intern bringing in her Magic Eight Ball and asking it “Will cloud be OK in 2023?” five times until she got “It is Decidedly So.”
  • A reporter with Yahoo! Finance who probably makes $25K a year and has a master’s degree is also not worried about AWS, so we’re all good.
• The AWS exec who led the company’s professional services arm has skedaddled after bullying, discrimination, and harassment claims—which have since culminated in a lawsuit from an LGBTQ+ employee. I combed through the filing so you don’t have to: a male co-worker called her a bitch; she alerted HR, he was promoted to a “Level 10” position like this is the Church of Scientology, and she was fired. Sounds like my first job on Wall Street in 2003! The Wolf of Wall Street was extremely triggering for me!!!
• GitHub workers, be ready to call Saul because Microsoft “stole” some (publicly available) code to train its AI tool in Visual Studio. Like open-source nerds would, the GitHub group launched a website about the investigation, ironically biting off the Wall Street Journal illustrative style.

New stuff

• Microsoft has brought AI-translated Teams messages in more than 100 languages to your mobile device. So, if you’re on the go and need to send a reminder about deadline to your collaborators in Inuinnaqtun, Zulu, or even in KLINGON for Dave in accounting, you can.
• AWS has doubled the computing power of its Snowball Edge device, so, um, congrats to that thing, I guess!
• The company has also made it easier to run batch workloads in the cloud with a new integration from AWS, which connects AWS Batch and Amazon EKS services.
• There’s a new serverless option for Amazon Neptune and you’ll never believe it, but it’s called Amazon Neptune Serverless.
• A new solution to the Microsoft scene is AKS Lite, a tool for running Kubernetes in resource constrained IoT and edge environments.
• DDoS attacks, the method of choice for amateur hackers, my second favorite type of hacker after really good professional hackers, can be a thing of the past for SMBs with Azure DDoS IP Protection now in public preview.
• Windows Dev Kit 2023, a device that lets developers build Windows apps for Arm using an AI processor and absolutely looks like something I would leave behind in an Uber, is officially on sale in select countries.

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security

• Trend Micro says threat actors are attempting to grab access keys from Amazon EC2 using a technique called “typosquatting,” an issue I also have until my eyeglass prescription gets updated this month.

Miscellany

• Since AWS launched that big career training center last month, it has decided to shut down the teams behind the AWS online tutorials. Now what am I going to fall asleep to?? Maybe I’ll take a cue from my husband and drift off to that Japanese guy on YouTube who makes knives out of meat.
• A Container Build Lens has become part of the AWS Well-Architected Framework, which is a fancy way of saying they updated a mind-numbing whitepaper that the noob in IT is going to have to read so they can be the human CliffsNotes for the CIO.
  • The noob should also earmark that AWS got a FedRAMP certification for High Authority to Operate for its cloud-based contact center service, Amazon Connect.

By Jane Dornemann

Image by Evan Aeschlimann

Wheelin’ and dealin’

• Parallel Wireless, a telecoms service provider in New Hampshire, has selected AWS, specifically Amazon EKS, to deliver cloud-native “Any G” (2G through 5G). I hope this young rapper from Belgium does not file a cease and desist!
  • Any G the rapper isn’t the only one coming for you on this one, AWS—Microsoft wants to stop eating your dust in the telco market. That’s why they’re prepping to launch commercial Azure Operator Distributed Services (AODS). They COULD really get ahead with telecoms if they produced some amazing industry case studies with 2A, but if they want to do this the hard way, they can.
  • But better act fast because AWS is co-developing a new set of computer vision AI services with SK Telecom.
• Now that I’ve dry heaved into my office wastebasket after simply seeing a mention of Meta, you should know the company has partnered with Microsoft to bring content, Windows apps, and Teams integrations to the Metaverse—part of Zuckerberg’s $10B plan to “make it impossible for remote workers to hide from their bosses.” ::pulls wastebasket closer::
• Obviously, anyone driving a fossil fuel-powered Benz is thinking first and foremost about sustainability even if they clearly had the budget to buy an electric car. That’s why Mercedes-Benz has partnered with Microsoft to connect passenger car plants to Microsoft cloud! Now Mercedes-Benz can produce fossil fuel cars while monitoring how much natural resources they are using to do it. Great idea, love the innovative thinking.
• Microsoft may have landed Mercedes-Benz, but AWS has snagged BMW Group. The two will develop customizable cloud software to simplify data management and distribution among millions of connected vehicles.
• This popped up in my recent Google search but CIO.com has 404’d it… scandalous. The since-deleted report said that IBM and AWS are working together to pursue a variety of industry-specific solutions.
• Newly minted AWS ISV Illumio has made its Zero Trust Segmentation Platform available on AWS. Also new to the ISV club: Syte, a product discovery platform, and SysAid, a provider of IT service automation.
• So many partners, so little time. So, I’ll be brief:
  • Red Hat unleashed its Ansible Automation Platform on Azure in Azure Marketplace, helping customers simplify hybrid cloud automation.
  • Cisco extended its SD-WAN integration with Azure by doing stuff that I don’t understand because when I was growing up “computer science class” meant playing Oregon Trail in 8-bit. Thanks, Brooklyn Public Schools.
  • MongoDB is one of several companies that makes up Microsoft’s news Intelligent Data Platform Partner Ecosystem. Developers using MongoDB Atlas can now build apps within Marketplace and Azure Portal.
  • Fivetran (which makes me think of a boy band) has added capabilities with Azure to accelerate data-driven transformations. They are ALSO part of the Intelligent Data Platform ecosystem and this club is getting less exclusive by the minute. If Microsoft keeps this pace they are going to end up like Michael Kors.
  • Anblix, a cloud data analytics provider, earned its solution partner designation in data & AI, digital & app innovation, and infrastructure solution areas.

World domination

• AWS can’t take over the world unless there’s a center for ants kids who can’t read good, which is why it’s opening a learning facility in Arlington, VA. The center is mostly to skill 29 million adults, but some unlucky classrooms will be bussed to the “interactive exhibits on the role of cloud computing.” A really cool initiative, though, is that the center will offer career support to Ukrainian refugees.
• New data centers, yay! AWS is bringing three data centers to Loudoun County, VA, which will be too busy to notice because they are banning “sexually explicit books” like 1984 and The Handmaid’s Tale. If they think 1984 is steamy, wait until they read Ezekiel 16:17, Ezekiel 23:18-21, Exodus 4:25, Genesis 19:35…you get the idea.
  • AWS also announced plans to launch an infrastructure region in Thailand, a country that has not yet regressed to banning important classic books that have shaped their literary culture.
• AWS Graviton2 chips are huge in Japan, with two of the archipelago nation’s largest companies saying they’re consuming 72% less power than the previous chips they were using to support their 5G network.

New stuff

• Microsoft unveiled three new Surface computers (tablet, laptop, desktop) available 6 days before Halloween because that’s how I measure all time once October 1^st hits.
• AWS launched The Landing Zone for Healthcare, which sounds like an indoor trampoline park but is actually a no-code solution for governing multi-account environments.
• At Ignite this year, Azure was the diamond of the season (that was for my Bridgerton geeks), with several items/features announced for general availability—Azure Arc for SQL Server, Edge browser, and Azure Cosmos DB for PostreSQL.
  • Don’t forget Power Platform, the successful, modern cousin who everyone mentions at family gatherings, but nobody ever sees anymore because ever since he moved out to L.A. he’s just too good to come home to see his extended family in Tulsa, I guess. Anyway, Power Platform has been updated with natural language AI capabilities that have a few neat use cases, as well as some governance features. This nice-looking man, who may or may not be actively building a miniature of Mordor to scale in his basement, says Power Platform is among several offerings that will continue to be a focus of Microsoft.
• AWS is expanding its Amazon WorkSpaces desktop-as-a-service portfolio with a new managed infrastructure-only cloud VDI offering. VDI sounds like something you get when you hook up with too many people (such a thing??) but actually, it’s “Virtual Desktop Infrastructure.”
• Welcome Syntex (again), a low-code AI and automation product relaunched by Microsoft that automated content creation, indexing, and discovery.
• SMBs can get in on that firewall action with Microsoft’s Azure Firewall Basic, now in public preview.

Gossip (for nerds)

• Upon its 2018 acquisition, Microsoft promised that its subsidiary GitHub would remain cloud agnostic and perhaps that’s open to a little interpretation; GitHub has been introducing new features and products built on Azure, which work best on Azure.  “WHAT, WE’RE NOT DOING ANYTHING WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT” —Microsoft
• New Relic yoinked a second AWS person in as many weeks. Their secret? An office kegerator.
• A new KPMG survey of 1,000 executives showed that 67% were reevaluating cloud spending after failing to achieve a significant ROI. The cause, according to this journalist, is that fools rushed in.
• Microsoft has more leaks than my first NYC apartment—this week it’s an internal presentation on the tech giant’s “cloud revenue” for 2022, which hit $91.2B, but without saying how much of that figure is thanks to Azure.
• 1,000 Microsoft employees have seen better days following their layoff this week. Layoffs include the Azure division, which follow the voluntary departures of some Azure execs. Meanwhile, Amazon froze hiring for technology and corporate positions, but AWS will continue to hire new people.
• In an attempt to compete with design app Canva, Microsoft launched—wait for the name—Designer. And it’s free with an Office software subscription. The amount of shade thrown in this article is pretty sweet…in response to the launch, Canva was like, mmm ok that’s cute. And then Microsoft was like, but Adobe is still our BFF! And Adobe was like, that’s right girl ‘cause Canva is for basics with a capital B.
  • And what better time to start using Design, which will be forced upon you like a U2 album, then after you’ve created something in DALL-E 2? It’s coming to (invited) Azure AI customers.
• Oh look, it’s nice Mordor man again! He says that he doesn’t see organizations slowing their move to the cloud amidst economic uncertainty…and he said that 6 days before layoffs. Otherwise known as 19 days before Halloween.
• “Silver and Gold” isn’t just everyone’s least favorite Christmas song, it’s also Microsoft’s least favorite partner strategy—that’s why the company is ditching the silver and gold competencies.

Ma’am, I’m going to have to call security

• DataDog released its annual security report on AWS. Among the findings: more than a third of respondents had publicly exposed S3 buckets. Ouch on several levels.